Usually, the role of equipment in games is that of a silent support with frequently noisy effect. You expect an axe to chop wetly through the body of your enemy, not to tell you how you could have kept the edge aligned better.
You also expect a gun to make a “bang”, not to complain you’re wasting bullets on an enemy obviously resistant to violent lead poisoning.
And yet, sometimes you get a piece or really snarky gear which has many opinions and is willing to share them with you. Or perhaps things are even worse: you find an item which just screams at you mostly incoherently, but in an undoubtedly human voice.
We’re here to… warn you, maybe? Either way you’re going to read it, you’re going to leave this piece knowing which games give you a talkative piece of equipment.
| Game | Release | Genre | Developer | |
|---|---|---|---|---|
 | Transistor | 2014-05-20 | Indie | Supergiant Games |
 | Borderlands GOTY Enhanced | 2009-10-26 | Action & Shooter | Gearbox Software |
 | Nier Automata Game Of The Yorha Edition | 2017-03-17 | RPG | PlatinumGames |
 | Borderlands 2 GOTY | 2012-09-20 | Action & Shooter | Gearbox Software |
 | Shadow Warrior | 2013-09-26 | Adventure | Flying Wild Hog |
 | Planescape Torment Enhanced Edition | 2017-04-11 | Strategy | Beamdog |
 | Shadow Warrior 3 | 2022-03-01 | Adventure | Flying Wild Hog |
 | The Bards Tale Trilogy | 2018-08-14 | RPG | Krome Studios |
 | Final Fantasy IX | 2016-04-14 | Adventure | Square |
 | Tales Of Majeyal | 2012-12-31 | Indie | Netcore Games |
 | Borderlands 3 Super Deluxe Edition | 2020-04 | Action | Gearbox Software |
 | Neverwinter Nights 2 Complete | 2006-10-31 | Adventure | Obsidian Entertainment |
 | Cyberpunk 2077 | 2020-12-10 | Action RPG | CD PROJEKT RED |
 | Shadow Warrior 2 | 2016-10-13 | Fighting | Flying Wild Hog |
 | Baldurs Gate II Enhanced Edition | 2013-11-15 | RPG | Overhaul Games |
 | Forspoken | 2023-01-24 | RPG | Luminous Productions |
 | Pillars Of Eternity II Deadfire Obsidian Edition | 2018-05-08 | RPG | Obsidian Entertainment |
They just won’t shut up
One of the oldest endlessly yapping weapons in all of gaming is probably the Lilarcor from Baldur’s Gate II. Its talkative nature is adding the insult to an injury, both literally and metaphorically, because you have to do a whole lot of weird stuff to get it in the first place.
And what do you get in return? A +3 two-handed sword which makes you immune to charm and confusion effects. It doesn’t feel right for such a profoundly confusing and charm-less blade, but the bonuses are too useful to ignore.
Another classic example, and way less annoying, is the Grimoire Weiss, a magical book who’s also a companion of the player character of Nier (including the remake, Nier Replicant).
You’d expect a book to be wise and refined but nope, Grimoire Weiss is real snarky page turner with an inflated ego. A trait which doesn’t elude another companion, Kainé, who’s got a potty mouth to match Grimoire’s attitude, creating a really memorable duo you’ll really wish would shut up sometimes.
Much less aggravating is the sword from Transistor — the main source of dialogue in the game, seeing how the player character doesn’t talk. The man’s voice talking to her from the sword is calm, friendly, and wishes to help Red, the protagonist.
And also the player, in a way, as the sword acts as the narrator for the whole thing. Over time you’ll discover more information about the duo, and we will not spoil it, because it would do a disservice to Supergiant Games’ excellent storytelling.
Going back to snark, we have Forspoken, which features an oddly talkative bracelet, fondly named Cuff, which serves as the guide for Frey, Forspoken’s protagonist.
Not quite as supportive as Transistor, Cuff cares mostly about Frey helping the magical world she got isekai’d into, rather than helping Frey get back to New York City. It’s a clear conflict of interest and a bad basis for a working relationship, but hey, it’s not like they are attached at the wrist…oh, wait.
To end this short list with a bang, let’s take a game series which seemingly can’t get enough of guns which make noises at you. You might already have some suspicions, so we’ll just say it: it’s Borderlands.
This series of first-person shooters with a cheeky sense of humour loves giving its guns human voices, and they come in all variations, from a disconcertingly salacious Hot Mama to Cutie Killer, which can only be described as a chibi murder gremlin.
There’s many more of them across all games in the franchise, and you will definitely find the one that annoys you the most. And the one that you like using the most.
Master volume: 100; Voice volume: 0
That’s just a few of talking gear you wish would stop talking for a minute, but there are many more options, such as Morwyn in Pillars of Eternity 2, or Shadows of the Damned’s Johnson who/which is somehow named both appropriately and inappropriately.
At their finest, talking equipment pieces provide companionship or levity in lonesome or dreary moments, at their worst there are cruel jokes of developers who know the good stats are tempting enough to make you endure the nonsense. But one way or another, you’re not likely to forget a chatty weapon anytime soon.